It hit me today. That wired nostalgic feeling of the upcoming holidays. The smell of a fresh pine tree, the excitement of the night before Christmas, the taste of egg nog. I thought it odd that it hit me this early in the year. Perhaps it was the setting; being the only one awake today, (Liz is napping beautifully after tackling homework), and then talking to my mom and brother today about trying to work our busy schedules so that we can have some resemblance of a family during the holidays. It feels good, and it feels odd. Today I'm a little sick too, so maybe that's part of it; getting that cold/flu symptoms during that time of the year.
I tend to think of my dad during this time also. Man, do I miss him around this time of year. The tea mug, the always-lit cigarette between his index and middle finger, his rough whiskers. Always shortlist watching TV. I guess it's those ingested sensations that always strike you later on. 8 years. Damn, when I type it, it seems so long ago. I guess the distance that grows in my head doesn't reflect calendar time. I wonder if that's some kind of grieving mechanism. Probably. I think it's time for me to start caring about my important relationships with people, and less about my "career" and such.
That hit me a week or so ago. I was in Rob's office talking to him and Michel, when I was relaying my Societal Issues in Business class. I talked about the introductions that took the entire first class, and that the professor asked the question, "Who are you?". I was caught very off guard and that makes me angry that I don't know more about myself. Michelle said that the introductions were more for the professor trying to probe what kind of person we are. I didn't think about it until she gave an example. She said, "For instance, if someone talks about what they do, and their career, and not about relationships, like that they're a brother, or father, or whatever, then you know that person isn't very relationship-oriented". (This is pare-phrased; not exact from what she said.) Once she said that, I realized what I'd said was very career oriented, nothing about family or relationships. That worried me. And it was spotlighted again not too long ago by Liz.
It's like I don't even know, what I don't know yet. I thought I was ahead in the fact that at least I knew I didn't know everything. Nope.